I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
