apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
