i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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