so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
