Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
