Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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