The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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