You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
