For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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