So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
