his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
