swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
