So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
