I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
