why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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