do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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