Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
