I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You were trust falling into bushes
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
