made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
