The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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