why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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