batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
