so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my being single is dangerous.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
