Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
