I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
