Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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