Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
