i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
