God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
