I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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