piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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