I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
