just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
