got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
