Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
