Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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