I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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