I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
