I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
