I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
