So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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