White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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