Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
