I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
