btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
