I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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