apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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