Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Drake has all the answers
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
