You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
