Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
