i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
